40k Jokes and Stuff
by ArbiterOfDoomsday
Summary: This is a collection of funny things from the 40k universe. i did not make any of these jokes Disclamer


40k in School

"No, Ahriman, you can't go to the Library for extra credit. Mr. Vect, stop messing about with that gas tap before you blow us all sky-high, and Thraka, please put Mr. Yarrick down. That's the third time I've had to ask you to stop that. See me after the class."

"Now does anyone know the answer to the question? Anyone else apart from Ulthuan? Mr Guilliman, perhaps you can stop scribbling in your notebook and tell us the answer..."

Mr Russ Mr johnson stop bickering right now or you'll both get detention.

MR.INQUISITOR!!! YOU JUST PURGED THE TRASHCAN!!! it was dirty miss cwaboppoweasker I am just dissapointed in you, the custodian was gonna come in a minute. i couldn't hewp it, miss cwaboppowe...

Typhus, for the last time, there are showers in the locker room for a reason. If you never wash up you're going to get a fungus or something.

Fuegan, turn that bunsen burner down. Everybody else has there's at a reasonable length, why do you always have to have the bigger flame?

Miss Zar, please stop that awful screeching! This is choir class, not the zoo!

Now that you have made the first incision... Good heavens Kharn, what are you doing to that frog?!

Leman, you need to get your hair cut, it's longer than the school dress code allows. Don't you bare your fangs at me, son!

I don't care what you say, Aun'shi, but cheating on the test is not "for the Greater Good."

No, Emperor, you may not go to the bathroom. I swear child, you already practically live in there!

No, Ghazkull, you may not "squash da 'umies." And for the record, it's "squash the humans."

Farsight! Look what you've done now, you've killed the Ethereal? That's time out for you, mister! And no starting splinter colonies while in the corner!

Lucius, What are you doing behind that book? Please put the book on your desk like everyone else!

Angron! Do you want that knife confiscated?!

Mr. Abbadon, Please stop saying that your father could have beat Mr. Calgar's father.

Mephiston, please stop writing your name in blood on your worksheets!

Mr. Coteaz, I told you, no more pets at school!

"Cypher, how many times have I told you, no speeches of redemption during Silent Reading time!"

"Ahriman, stop pestering Russ for answers."

"Kharn put down that-- Good God, Fabius, is that your brother?!?!?!"

"Now Farseer, I'm sure Abbaddon was only joking about the claw..."

Sanguinus you come down here off that ceiling right this instant!

Looks like we're going to have to find a seperate room for you, Mr Ulthran, if you can't stop reading people's minds for the answers.

Mr. Fulgrim! Mr. Lucius!!!! In all my years I have never seen anything...

EUGH! Mr. THraka, did you just eat your own fecal matter...? "

"You are late again Mr Vulkan."

"Mr Cruze, please sign your name as such, and the Gym teacher will not accept you being away from his class again, you need to get out in the sun like everyone else."

"Mr Luther, you answers arent that good, why can't you be like El'Jhonson".

"You! stop looking over his shoulder! Oh, sorry Magnus..."

"Mr Russ, I sall not tell you again, do not howl when you know the answer."

**Will all students please note the following rules for exams:**

1: all farseers, librarians,Tzeench followers, or psychics of any kind, are not allowed to use said powers.

2: All eldar, the use of wraithbone armor to ask the spirits of its pior users for answers is forbidden.

3: Bolters are not allowed.

4: Silence is a must, emperors children I am looking at you."

Slaanish what are you doing in that corner!?!?!?!

Mr. Nurgle if you cant stop burping and farting we'll have to put you outside.

Dont listen to Tzeentch children he wont give you his pocket money if you kill each other!!!!

There there Emperor Im sure you'll get a girlfriend one day, if not we still have those cloning tanks? (why the Emperor realy made the Primachs)

Mr Machrimus you always go first let some one else have a go

Mr Straken burning the tyranids does not smell better than breakfast

"Mr Creed, if you and Mr Kell do not stop talking in class I will seperate you both."

"Mr Redmaw, how many times have I told you to shave? No I will not accept that wolfen excuse any more."

"Mr Azrael, I saw you and Mr Ezekiel passing notes, is there anything you want to share?"

"No, snow storms created by Rune Priests are not used when considering snow days... especially in July!"

"Will the Tech Marines and Iron Warriors please stop giving wedgies on fellow class mates, and blaming it on the machine God."

"Mr Ahriman, this is the last time I will tell you to stop bothering Mr Cevak for Help..."

"Mr. Pertaubo, please do not get angry at Mr. Dorn because he has the correct answers."

"Will the Harlequin shadowseers please stop casting viel of tears during roll call."

"Will all Death Guard please note that I will no longer accept any tardy slips, or sick notes from "Big Papa Nurgle"."

"Mr. Stern, stop purging your book, its not possessed by Daemons, now sit down or I'll send you to the principle's office."

Would the Word Bearers and Blood Angel Chaplins please stop bickering, everyone has their own opinion on the imperial creed. executed by Yarrick

**Morning anouncements:**

Band practice has been canceled due to an amplifier blowout, thanks to the concert put on by the Slaanesh Metal band.

Congratulations to the Debate team for another victory; Word Bearers keep that undefeated streak going.

Also the Dodge ball game between the Death Company and the Necons has been canceled, you both just keep getting back up.

I look forward to seeing all of you at the football game tonight, which we will win by a score of 7-3, thank you farseers for that early report.

One last thing Mr. Abbadon, I want to see you in my office immediately, you will not ruin my Pep Rally with your little 13th crusade of beer drinking and "Picking up Chicks"

Mr. Cypher please come out from underneath the table, the Dark Angels are not out to get you.

Ms.Arienal stop asking the dead for the answers to the test.

Mr.Baharroth how could you possibly be so scared, it's just a field trip to Rhana Dandra

Mr.Asurmen stop bragging that you were the first Exarch, your interupting the test

"When we play dodgeball, I don't want the last two participants to be the Emperor and Horus."

Mr Nightbringer, if i've told you once i've told you a million times, leave that scythe at home! You'll have someones eye out with it!

Well ... thank you for joining use today Mr Abbadon! It's good of you to fit us in your busy schedule! These crusades of yours are not helping your tardiness young man.

Mr Coteaz, Mr Horus is not a heratic, his answer is correct.

Mr. Red Terror what are you doing with Billy and the hot sauce bottle?

Abbadon stop making fun of Horous if I remember correctly you and your crusades have not maded it to Terra now have they

Can some on please tell me if you have seen Mr Russ he have been absent from calls for the last 10 thousand years or so and if you see him he still owes the school for his school pictures

Och Mr. Bile that hurt, what did you hittt me withhhhhhhhh

Horus! You put Sanguinus down right this instant!

Mr. Dorn, Emporer, return to your seats immediatly!

Mr Thrakka what did I tell you about eating grots. Dont do it in class unless you brought enough for everyone!

Mr. Ulthran, if you refuse to stop using your powers to cheat on tests, I'm going to have to seat you next to Mr. Pariah!

The True Story Why the Emperor is on the Golden Throne

Our story begins with the mighty Emperor of mankind (not) confronting his fallen son horus on his battle barge. A mighty fight ensues with no clear possible winner... until, the Emperor, blessed be his corny name, shouts out; "hey look over there, its that sexy saalneshi deamonette!" Horus swiftly turned around and fixed his hair, but realised his folly only too late, he had been tricked. The mighty God-Emperor, benefactor of mankind swung his hefty power sword and decapacitated horus in a single sweep.

Then the traitor legions ran off cryin' to the eye of terror, yadda yadda yadda...

...There was a massive feast which lasted for 3 weeks, and all of the loyal soldiers of the Imperium were invited, our most beneficient Emperor ate the most, besting even Leman Russ himself inthe amount he could scoff down his most holy of gullets. After the feast was over, the emperor most righteous and almighty personnage felt the need to answer natures call, climbing up onto his incerdible, lavatory, the "golden throne" he sat there and is still sitting there now, tryin' very desperatley to do his most holy of amphetamine parrakeets. such is his mighty effort that he requires psyckers life energy to maintain his most beneficient of pushes, and we all look to the most holy of days when he will again be satisfied and ready to continue his crusade- and invent lax-ol -.

An Eldar, a human, and a Tau are in a bathroom during a peace meeting.

An Eldar, a human, and a Tau are in a bathroom during a peace meeting. After finishing their business, the Eldar walks to the water basin and used a tiny amount to clean his hands. He said "After the fall, Eldar were taught to conserve resources."

The Tau walked up and cleaned himself quite thouroughly and said "I am of the Water sect and am here because I am quite receptive to new ideas and make a good diplomat. For the greater good, I must be sure to be clean and presentable."

The human walked right out saying "My dad taught me not to piss on my hands."

50 Ways to annoy your opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.

2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.

3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.

4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.

5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.

6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.

7. Dress in character.

8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.

9. Speak only in third person.

10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.

11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.

12. Only roll one die at a time.

13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.

14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.

15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.

16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.

17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.

18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.

19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.

20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.

21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.

22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.

23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.

24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.

25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.

26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.

27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.

28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.

29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.

30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.

31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.

32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved Judge Dredd.

33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.

34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.

35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.

36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.

37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.

38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.

39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.

40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.

41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.

42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."

43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.

44. Write army list in pig latin and binary.

45. Fuzzy dice.

46. Start each game with the national anthem.

47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.

48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.

49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.

50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.

51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

What the Emperor's thinking:

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

The Thousand Sons have always suffered two problems: They're all brothers, and none of them have visible bodies...

Thousand Son 1: Yo bro!

Thousand Son 2: Hi!

Thousand Son 3: Hi!

Thousand Son 2: Hey, he was talkin' to me!

Thousand Son 3: No, he was talkin to ME!

Thousand Son 4: No, me!

Thousand Son 5: Me!

Thousand Son 6: Me! Me!

Thousand Son 2 Tell 'em, Hydraxus! You meant me, right?

Thousand Son 3: You meant me, didn't you, Hydraxus?

Thousand Son 7: I'm not Hydraxus! I was talkin to my brother over here!

Thousand Son 8: Who, me?

Thousand Son 9: No! You were talkin to me, weren't you, Malevolus?

Thousand Son 1: I'm not Malevolus! I'm Hydraxus!

Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels

Emperor's Grandchildren

Rabid Wolves

Blood Donators

Iron Feet

World Munchers

Supermarines

Mental Legion

Life Guard

999 Sons

999 Sons

Tadpoles

Beta Legion

Angels of Imperialism

Black Muslims

Heavy Metal Warriors

Black Monks

Constructors

Water Rats

Insect Legion

White Warriors

Black Panthers

Storm Midgets

Nice Weather Lords

ELDAR: censored happens

DARK ELDAR: We ran off before the censored happened

IMPERIAL GUARD: censored happens with big guns

SPACE MARINES: The Emperor will save us from deep censored

ULTRAMARINES: Roboute saved the emperor from censored

BLOOD ANGELS: DIE YOU censored-HEADS!!!

DARK ANGELS: We caused censored and have yet to be forgiven

CHAOS SPACE MARINES: The Emperor is censored

WORLD EATERS: We'll collect skulls so that censored doesn't happen to us.

NECRONS: We're gonna cause so much censored to happen that censored will never happen again

TAU: censored will happen to everyone but us

ORKS: What is censored?

TYRANIDS: This galaxy is our new piece of censored

SISTERS OF BATTLE: Male supremacy is a load of censored


End file.
